Living Your Truth: Aligning Actions with Values for Authentic Manhood
- Mark Pitcher
- 4 days ago
- 19 min read
Society's stereotypes or external achievements do not define authentic manhood; it is determined by living with integrity and core values. Psychologists and leadership experts have noted that true fulfillment comes from aligning what we do with what we genuinely believe. Abraham Maslow (1997) placed self-actualization – becoming one's authentic self – at the pinnacle of human needs, underscoring our innate drive to "live our truth" (Maslow, 1997). Living authentically, or with integrity, means that our daily actions consistently reflect our deepest values and convictions. This alignment between values and actions is especially crucial for men seeking authentic manhood. It empowers them to break free from societal pressures and to define their identity on their terms (Covey, 2004; Joseph, 2016). As Stephen R. Covey (2004) famously observed, when internal principles guide your life, you gain a sense of purpose and direction that no external validation can match.
Understanding Your Core Values
The first step toward living your truth is identifying your core values. Values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your decisions and define what is important to you. They act as a personal or "moral compass" (McKay and McKay, 2009; Manson, 2019). Brett and Kate McKay (2009) advise men to "define your core values" as a foundation for personal growth and purpose. In their view, a man without clear values is like a ship without a rudder, drifting aimlessly. Similarly, Mark Manson (2019) explains that you are what you value – your values shape your identity and the course of your life. Identifying these values requires introspection and honesty. Consider what principles you hold most dear: for example, integrity, family, courage, faith, respect, or growth. According to Covey (2004), clarifying these guiding principles is essential because "beginning with the end in mind" – knowing what truly matters to you – allows you to align your life accordingly. Reflect on moments when you felt most fulfilled or proud of yourself; such moments often point to a value being honoured (Joseph, 2016).
On the other hand, times of deep frustration or regret may indicate a compromised value. Self-help author Lewis Howes (2017) emphasizes that many men wear a "mask" to hide what they value for fear of judgment. However, removing that mask and embracing your genuine priorities is key to authenticity. You set the stage to live by your values by clearly defining them.
Aligning Actions with Values
Once you know your values, the challenge is consistently aligning your actions with those values. In leadership circles, this is often called "walking the talk." Kouzes and Posner (2024) describe exemplary leaders as " setting the example by aligning actions with shared values." The same applies to personal life: to be authentic, we must model the way by ensuring our behaviour matches our beliefs. When a man's daily actions reflect his professed values, he experiences a sense of integrity and wholeness. Coach Kevin Cashman (2017) calls this state "total congruence" – a complete harmony between who you are on the inside and what you do on the outside. Similarly, educator Parker J. Palmer (2024) warns against living a "divided life." He notes that many people feel torn between their true self and the face they present to the world, and he advocates for an "undivided life" where your soul and role are the same. In other words, your work, relationships, and daily habits should consistently reflect your inner values (Palmer, 2024). Modern writers echo this wisdom: Gregg Vanourek (2024) refers to "authentic alignment" as the state of coherence between one's core values and actions, noting that it leads to greater mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness. Living in such alignment makes you feel "real" – no pretension or facade exists. You make choices based on what truly matters to you, rather than reflexively following peer pressure or transient trends.
On the other hand, failing to align actions with values can cause inner conflict and stress. Living out of sync with your beliefs often leads to guilt, shame, or the sense of being a "fraud" (Vanourek, 2024). Carl Rogers (1995) identified this dissonance as incongruence, a state in which there's a gap between a person's authentic self and their outward life. In Rogers' view, incongruence is a source of psychological distress – we cannot be at peace if we constantly betray our values. For example, if honesty is a core value but you frequently lie to avoid conflict, you will likely feel tension and self-resentment. Or if you deeply value family but spend all your time at work, neglecting loved ones, you may experience emptiness despite career success. These scenarios illustrate the classic value-action gap that can undermine one's sense of authenticity. The solution is to bridge that gap by bringing behaviour into line with values. Start small if needed: make one decision at a time that honours your principles. As James Kouzes and Barry Posner advise, clarify your values and set the example by acting on them (Kouzes and Posner, 2024). Over time, each choice builds upon the last, and you create a life that genuinely reflects what you stand for.
Challenges to Living Your Truth
Aligning your actions with your values is simple in theory but often difficult in practice. Many obstacles can derail men from living authentically. One major challenge is social pressure and cultural expectations. From a young age, men receive messages about how they "should" behave or which goals they "should" pursue – earning a high income, projecting toughness, or adhering to certain social norms. These pressures can tempt men to abandon their values to fit in. Brené Brown (2019) observes that the need for acceptance can drive people to trade authenticity for approval, leading to a life that might look good on the outside but feels hollow inside. Brown emphasizes that choosing authenticity requires vulnerability – the courage to stand by your values even when they aren't popular or convenient. "Integrity is choosing courage over comfort," Brown often says, meaning that living your truth isn't always comfortable (you may disappoint others or face criticism). Still, it is the courageous path and ultimately the most rewarding one.
Another challenge is the deeply ingrained habit of people-pleasing, widespread among men who fall into the "Nice Guy" syndrome. Dr. Robert Glover (2003) explains that many men are conditioned to seek approval at all costs – they become who they think others want them to be, rather than being true to themselves. In No More Mr. Nice Guy, Glover (2003) recounts how this tendency leads men to hide their needs and values to avoid conflict or rejection. While being agreeable might win temporary validation, it often breeds resentment and identity loss because the man's authentic self never gets expressed. Overcoming this pattern requires recognizing that you cannot be everything to everyone and that your primary responsibility is to be true to yourself. As an African proverb wisely notes, "He who tries to please all pleases none." Breaking free from people-pleasing allows you to focus on what you believe is right, rather than constantly living according to others' expectations.
Fear is also a significant barrier to aligning actions with values. Fear of failure, criticism, or uncertainty can cause men to stay in their comfort zones rather than act on their convictions. Lewis Howes (2017) describes the "Mask of Masculinity" as a set of false personas men put on (such as the Stoic, the Aggressor, the Joker, etc.) to shield themselves from vulnerability. These masks may protect one's ego in the short term, but also block genuine connections and personal growth. Taking off the mask means risking vulnerability: it might feel "unsafe" to show your true feelings, admit your values (like love, creativity, or spiritual faith), or pursue a non-traditional path. Yet, as Howes (2017) argues, removing the mask is crucial for real happiness and connection. Similarly, a prominent psychologist, Steven C. Hayes (2019), notes that discomfort is inevitable in a values-driven life.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Hayes teaches that pain can be a compass – "you hurt where you care." In other words, the areas of life that cause you anxiety or pain often overlap with what you value most deeply (Hayes, 2019). For instance, you might feel intense stress about a work project because you value excellence and fear falling short, or you might feel guilt about parenting because you value being a good father. Instead of avoiding these feelings by stepping back or becoming numb, Hayes suggests acknowledging them as signals of what matters to you. Then you can accept the discomfort and still take action in line with your values – for example, having that difficult conversation to be honest (honesty being your value), or setting boundaries at work to honour family time. Overcoming fear and discomfort is challenging, but it is part and parcel of living your truth. Brené Brown calls it "choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy." The reward is a life that, while not always easy, is real and meaningful.
Finally, old habits and conditioning can impede efforts to live authentically. To some extent, we are all products of our upbringing and environment. As one blogger put it, "We are creatures of habit… conditioned since childhood" to behave in specific ways that may or may not align with our true selves. Rewriting these scripts takes conscious effort. It might mean unlearning lessons that no longer serve you (for example, "real men don't cry" or "your job title defines success") and replacing them with empowering beliefs of your own. This personal development is an ongoing journey that often involves trial and error. It's normal to occasionally slip up – to act out of alignment due to stress or momentary weakness. The key is to remain self-aware and committed to growth. When you notice you've strayed from your values, gently correct course. As Cashman (2017) notes, authenticity is a continual process of reflection and realignment, not a one-time achievement.
Practical Steps to Live Your Truth
Living your truth is a practice that one builds day by day. Here are some practical steps to help align your actions with your values:
Identify and Prioritize Your Core Values: Clarify what matters most. List your top 5-7 values (e.g., integrity, compassion, loyalty, excellence, faith, creativity). Rank them in order of importance if you can. This process focuses on your "why" (Sinek, 2009). For example, if family is a top value, acknowledge that it should drive your major decisions. If health is a core value, recognize that it must be a priority in your daily schedule. Writing down and prioritizing values is the blueprint for how you want to live (McKay and McKay, 2009).
Evaluate Your Life for Alignment: Take stock of your actions and routines once your values are clear. Ask yourself, "In what ways am I living out these values, and in what ways am I not?" It can help to review each core value and assess: What am I currently doing to honour this value? Where am I falling short? For instance, if community is valuable but you realize you spend little time volunteering or helping others, note that gap. This honest self-assessment can be eye-opening. In their work on values-driven living, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz often have clients log their time and energy to see if it matches their stated priorities (as cited in Seligman, 2017). Similarly, Rogers (1995) would have us notice any incongruence – when our behaviour doesn't match our beliefs – as the first step to change. You might discover that some commitments or habits are not aligned with your top values; that's okay. The goal of this step is awareness.
Make a Plan to Align Actions with Values: Set specific, actionable goals to bring each value to life. It's not enough to have values; you need to live them through concrete behaviours (Kouzes and Posner, 2024). For each core value, brainstorm one or two actions you will commit to regularly. For example:
If health is a value, you might plan to exercise four times a week and prepare home-cooked meals on weekdays.
If learning is valuable, set a goal to read for 30 minutes daily or take an online course this quarter.
If family is valuable, designate weekends for family time or institute a daily phone-free dinner.
If faith/spirituality is valuable, commit to attending services weekly or practicing meditation each morning.
If integrity is valuable, resolve to speak up kindly when disagreeing, rather than staying silent to avoid tension.
These actions should align with the values. Stephen Covey (2004) suggests scheduling your priorities: Block out time in your calendar for these value-based activities, treating them as non-negotiable appointments with yourself. Start with small, manageable changes rather than grand resolutions. Small wins build momentum and confidence.
Stay Accountable and Reflect: Consistency is key to forming new stick habits. Use tools that help you remain accountable to your values. This could mean journaling each night about how you lived (or didn't live) your values that day, which increases mindfulness and continuous improvement (Joseph, 2016). Some men find it helpful to share their goals with a friend, mentor, or coach who can encourage them and hold them accountable. For example, you might pair up with a friend on a similar journey and check each other's progress weekly – "Did you practice what you preached this week?" When you fall short of your intentions (which will happen occasionally), avoid harsh self-criticism. Instead, treat it as feedback and refocus on tomorrow as a new improvement opportunity. Reflection is vital: periodically (say, each month), take a step back to assess how aligning with your values impacts your life. Are you feeling more at peace? More motivated? Note the positive changes, which will reinforce your commitment to this path. Over time, as living authentically becomes your new "normal," you'll likely find that deviating from your values feels increasingly uncomfortable – a good sign that your mind and heart expect integrity now.
Embrace Courage and Adjust as Needed: Living your truth will sometimes require tough choices and bravery. You might need to have difficult conversations, set boundaries, or make life changes that others don't understand. Remember why you are doing it – to live a more meaningful and genuine life (Frankl, 2006; Seligman, 2017). When challenges arise, reconnect with your "why." Viktor Frankl (2006) famously wrote, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." Remembering the purpose behind your actions (such as providing a good life for your family, contributing to your community, or achieving personal growth) can give you the strength to persevere through temporary discomfort. Also, be flexible and willing to adjust your plan as you learn. Sometimes our understanding of our values deepens or shifts with new experiences. Authentic living is not about rigidly adhering to a script; it's about faithfully following your inner compass, which may lead you to new horizons. Be open to course corrections. For example, you might initially think career success is a core value, but upon reflection, realize it was more about growth and creativity, which you can express in ways outside of a job title. It's okay to revise your values list or the actions that support it. What matters is maintaining honesty with yourself throughout the journey.
By taking these practical steps, you move from simply knowing your truth to living it. Every choice, big or small, becomes an opportunity to express who you are. Over time, the line between your "ideal self" and your actual behaviour thins and fades, until you live as a more integrated, authentic you.
Benefits of Living Aligned with Your Values
Living your truth – that is, behaving in alignment with your core values – profoundly benefits your well-being and relationships. First and foremost, it cultivates a deep sense of meaning and fulfillment. You feel your life has purpose when you engage in actions that resonate with your values. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed that individuals who find meaning in their lives can endure great hardships and remain resilient. In Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl (2006) argues that having a clear "why" (a purpose or value to live for) enables one to bear almost any "how" – any challenge or suffering. Conversely, even minor setbacks can feel unbearable when one's life lacks alignment with higher values or purposes. Thus, living authentically fortifies you with existential strength: you know what you stand for, so you can handle what life throws at you with greater ease. Martin Seligman (2017), a pioneer of positive psychology, found that authentic happiness is derived not from fleeting pleasures but from using our signature strengths (personal virtues like kindness, courage, curiosity, etc.) to serve what we value most. In other words, happiness is a by-product of a value-driven life. Suppose you value kindness, and you routinely volunteer or help others. In that case, you're likely to experience a lasting form of happiness that Seligman calls "gratification," as opposed to the short-lived spikes of pleasure that come from chasing external rewards. Living authentically also brings a sense of inner peace. When your actions and values are in harmony, you eliminate the inner conflict that arises from behaving contrary to your beliefs. You can look at yourself in the mirror daily with confidence and self-respect, knowing you stayed true to what you believe is right (Joseph, 2016). This congruence reduces stress and anxiety, as you're no longer constantly second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty about your choices. Studies in positive psychology have indicated that people who report living according to their values also report higher life satisfaction and lower levels of depression and anxiety (Selva, 2018). It makes sense – there is significant psychological relief in being yourself.
Living your truth is also fundamental to building trust and credibility with others. Whether in personal relationships or leadership roles, consistency between one's words and deeds is the foundation of trust (Kouzes & Posner, 2017; George et al., 2007). When people see that you genuinely practice what you preach, they know you are reliable and principled. For example, if you often speak about the importance of honesty, and then you demonstrate honesty even when it's hard (maybe admitting a mistake at work or telling a friend an uncomfortable truth with kindness), others will trust your integrity. In contrast, if there's a mismatch – say you proclaim family is your priority but constantly cancel family plans for trivial reasons – others (especially children or close partners) will notice and may become cynical or disillusioned. Bill George and colleagues (2007) have written about "authentic leadership," noting that leaders who lead with their values and are transparent about who they are tend to inspire greater team loyalty and commitment. The same concept applies to authentic manhood in everyday life: when a man's actions reflect his core values, he becomes a role model and someone others can depend on. His friendships deepen because he approaches them with sincerity; his romantic relationships strengthen because he communicates and acts with integrity; his children (if he's a father) learn from his example about honour and consistency. In a world where many men feel pressured to cut corners or put on airs, the man who consistently lives his truth stands out as trustworthy and admirable.
Another benefit of aligning actions with values is enhanced self-esteem and confidence. True self-esteem grows when you behave in ways that make you respect yourself. James Kouzes once said, "You can't respect yourself if you don't follow through on your commitments." By extension, you can't fully respect yourself if you fail to honour the values you claim to hold. When you align with your beliefs, you reinforce a positive self-image: "I am a person who values X, and I proved it by doing Y." Over time, these positive choices accumulate into a strong sense of self. You begin to trust your character, a powerful form of confidence that doesn't hinge on external validation. For instance, a man who values discipline and follows a disciplined routine (waking up early to exercise, sticking to his study schedule, or resisting temptations that conflict with long-term goals) will naturally feel more confident in his ability to set and achieve goals. He knows he can count on himself. Similarly, a man who values compassion and regularly engages in compassionate acts (like listening to a friend in need or helping strangers) will view himself as a kind person, and this self-affirming identity boosts his overall confidence in social interactions. Self-confidence born from living authentically is stable; it's not easily shaken by criticism or setbacks because it's rooted in one's consistent evidence of worth.
Living according to your values can also improve your mental and emotional health. When you stop betraying yourself, you reduce sources of internal turmoil. Emotional burdens like regret and shame often stem from actions we wish we hadn't taken (or values we neglected). By living more conscientiously, those burdens lighten. You may still face external stresses, but at least you're not adding self-inflicted ones. Moreover, an authentic life tends to attract healthier relationships and communities. You'll likely seek out and draw in people who appreciate you for who you are, because that is what you present to the world. Superficial or toxic relationships may fall away, which might be painful initially, but ultimately creates space for more supportive connections. Men pursuing authentic manhood often develop a stronger support network of like-minded individuals who share similar values or respect each other's differences. This support system can further bolster mental health, providing camaraderie and understanding.
From a spiritual or existential perspective, aligning actions with values can lead to what some call "soul fulfillment." Parker Palmer (2024) might describe it as feeling that your soul is integrated with your role in life – there is no divide. Many spiritual traditions teach the importance of living out one's values (sometimes called living with integrity or righteousness). For example, in the Biblical context, "faith without works is dead" – meaning one's values or faith must be accompanied by action. While this isn't a religious article, the principle is universal: believing in something is not enough; fulfillment comes from living those beliefs. When you do, you experience a sense of harmony with something greater. It could be harmony within yourself, a feeling of being exactly where you're supposed to be, doing what you're meant to do. It could also be a sense of contributing to the greater good, which is deeply fulfilling. Men who align with values such as justice, service, or honour often find meaning in serving causes beyond themselves, whether mentoring youth, advocating for fairness at work, or simply being the "go-to guy" that friends and family can rely on. This outward focus, grounded in inward values, can create a legacy one can be proud of.
Lastly, living your truth allows you to realize your full potential. When you channel your energy into pursuits and behaviours that reflect your true interests and values, you unlock motivation and creativity that might otherwise lie dormant. You are more likely to enter states of "flow" (immersed focus and enjoyment in activities) because you genuinely care about what you're doing. Over time, this can lead to exceptional personal and professional growth. A man who values excellence and aligns his work ethic with that value will continuously improve his skills and accomplishments. A man who values authenticity in relationships will continually work on communication and emotional openness, leading to ever-deepening bonds. By living authentically, you set yourself on a path of continuous growth that is both challenging and rewarding. Robert Bly (2015) in Iron John talks about the mature masculine journey as reclaiming the "golden ball" – a symbol of a man's innate talents, passions, and authenticity that may have been lost or suppressed in boyhood. When a man is true to himself, he retrieves that "golden ball" and can shine uniquely. He becomes not a copy of what the world says a man should be, but a genuine, self-actualized individual. This is perhaps the most significant benefit: you become fully yourself, the best version of who you were meant to be.
Conclusion
Living your truth is not a one-time choice but a lifelong journey of aligning your actions with your values. It is the path to authentic manhood – defined by integrity, inner strength, and congruence, rather than by conforming to external standards or wearing societal masks. As we have discussed, this journey begins with understanding what you truly value and having the courage and commitment to let those values guide your daily behaviour. It will not always be easy. There will be temptations to stray, pressures to conform, and moments of self-doubt. But the rewards of authenticity far outweigh the costs. Living aligned with your core values cultivates a life of purpose, fulfillment, and honour. You build genuine self-esteem and earn the trust of those around you. You handle challenges with a clear conscience and a firm sense of yourself. Perhaps most importantly, you can reach the end of each day – and eventually the end of your life – with minimal regrets, knowing that you showed up as your true self and gave your best to the things that matter most.
Authentic manhood is ultimately about wholeness. It's about being the same person on the outside that you are on the inside – so that you are consistent and grounded in your principles, whether at work, home, with friends, or alone. This wholeness is a source of great power and peace. In the words of one leadership guru, it's living life "inside-out" (Cashman, 2017), letting your character shape your destiny rather than letting circumstances dictate your character. Every man has the capacity for this authenticity. It is not reserved for the saints or extraordinary figures; it's available to anyone willing to reflect, choose courage, and practice their values.
In closing, remember that authenticity is a practice, not a destination. Be patient as you strive to align your actions with your values. Celebrate the small victories when you make the harder right choice over the easier wrong one. Learn from the times you fall short without self-condemnation. Surround yourself with people who support the real you. And keep your core values front and center as your guiding light. By doing so, you will increasingly find that your actions, words, and decisions flow from the very essence of who you are. This is the art of living your truth. It is the key to unlocking authentic manhood – being a man whose life is his message, and whose values are visible through how he lives each day. Such a man experiences greater joy and integrity and lights the way for others to do the same. As you align your actions with your values, you become a beacon of authenticity in a world that desperately needs it. And in the end, there is no greater testimony to a well-lived life than to say: I was truly myself and lived my truth.
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© Citation:
Pitcher, E. Mark. (2025, May 19). Living Your Truth: Aligning Actions with Values for Authentic Manhood. Beyond Brotherhood. https://www.beyondbrotherhood.ca/post/living-your-truth-aligning-actions-with-values-for-authentic-manhood.